Happy New year everyone! Do you know I actually forgot my blog ID? lol!
Anyhow, I have no new year resolution! Okay, okay....I did! But it didnt last 2 days!Going to the gym religiously is too much energy and commitment and work is just too hectic these days so I couldnt cut it! Infact, my life is too hectic! Work work work. I work like a maniac! My new job is like a yoruba man - just too demanding! but I aint complaining cos it pay the bills and leaves some extra for shoes & bags!
Oh! I had another new year resolution. Celibacy! ha! I did better with that one though.....I kept it for 10 long days! Then, I couldnt take it anymore. A sister just had to get laid! hehehee! So I called my 'smally' (I shall tell y'all about him in another post) and he was at mine like a bullet....but I had to do the usual posing first. Dunno who I was trying to fool cos he knows just as well as I do that I only call him I want some! It was only after doing it, I remembered why I made the resolution initially.....I NO LONGER ENJOY SEX! Its become too mechanical for me. Totally devoid of feelings of anykind; even pleasure. Like a handshake.
Yes! Sex to me is like a handshake! I've had too much of it with people who didnt really care about me. So in the past 2 years, I learnt to f**k without emotions/getting attached. I learnt to f**k without kissing, without foreplay, without post-sex cuddling. Just straight up gangsta loving! I cant even remember when last I kissed. Probably about 8 months ago BUT I have had sex many times after that (with the same 2 ppl that I've been sleeping with for 3/4 years)!
I really think I have a problem. I want sex to mean something to me again. I want to feel love when I have sex. I want to kiss passionately when I have sex. I want to enjoy sex. I miss the spiritual feeling you get when you have mind-blowing sex with someone you love. I miss cuddling after sex. I feel like I will never be able to enjoy these things again.
I feel lost....
Saturday, 19 January 2008
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
JUST WONDERING ABOUT NIGERIA
Hi Everyone!
Hope y'all had a gud weekend...mine was cool! Handed in my resignation yesterday...freal if you were sat anywhere within a mile of me, you would have heard the sound of my heart thumping (not beating oh)! It was a cocktail of guilt, apprehension, excitement & apprehension again. But my boss, although visibly taken aback if not shocked, took it well. She definately didnt see it coming! haha!
Am soooo excited...loking forward to my new job and did I tell you am going to Nig on Sunday! Yaaaay! My 2nd trip there in 3 months. Dint realise how much I missed home as I hadnt been back in 5 yrs, until I visited in Feb. It was HOT - temperature wise and fun-wise! On the temperature though, I was convinced that its a different sun(from the one we all know) that shines in Nigeria (Lagos in particular);one would think that the Sun was Nigeria's closes nieghbour geographically. Infact, I can swear that in Lagos, the Sun doesnt set...As in it sets physically, but thats just a front as it still does its magic day & night! The sun in Nigeria never sleeps; working overtime to ensure the discomfort of all and sundry!lol!
But, am still looking forward to Sunday but this time, I'm going armed with my Sunscreen SPF15 cream even though I'm as dark as mahogany:)
Anyway, just wondered about 2 things as I have a deep interest in politics and religion;
1. Why do we worship the god of my oppressors (slave/colonial masters)?
2. Will Nigeria be better off as a Communist State or at least a Marxist State? Is Nigeria not to corrupt to be Capitalists at least for now?I think that before colonialism/slave trade, what we now know as Nigeria (as baptised by Flora Shaw- Lord Lugard's girlfriend), practised a communist system of governance...The community worked together for the good of (yup you got it) the community.People shared with each other, ensured that everyone had enough and equality reigned. Nobody was accorded special treatment and the laws of the land were enforced against whoever dared to flout them, be they the King (oba/obi/obong or whatever they were called in different communities) or the village idiot.
People were afraid to break laws or to act in a way that was detrimental to the progress of the community. People took pride in not just their immediate families but the village/community as a whole...People respected the law and part of that was because of the fear of the wrath of what we are now told are lesser gods.
People feared sango's wrath, the curse of ogun, olokun etc. I dont believe in idol worshipping but it worked for them back then. For the record, I do not identify myself with any organised religion. I'm a Lover i.e. mine is the religion of compassion fullstop.
But now, what do we have?? People who will sell their mothers for government contract; women selling their virtue for a few wads of cash; people getting money through illicit ways being reverred in their hometowns as blessings and given high chieftancy titles!Inshort, we just have SELFISH,NARROW-MINDED, LAZY people
Even till date, people dont fear this oyibo god. If you curse someone by ogun or sango, they are more likely to take offense than if you tell them 'God punish you'. So who are we deceiving with all the many churches crowding each street & corner in Nig? Pastors driving state-of-art cars & their congregation can even afford public transport...
Never in the history of african villages, did the village dibia,babalawo,oracle etc live the flashiest lifestyle afterall, they were only messengers of the higher powers. But for these pastors, its about avertisement. Lets show them what this oyibo god can do. Lets drive big cars,live in big houses & wear designer clothes...How selfish is that? Infact, it seems, capitalism has now even eaten into religion! How shameful!
So what do you think? Are you of the school of though that we have discarded our culture, language, system of governance and even our gods for everything foreign -western and this has caused more harm than good? Or do you believe that the west 'rescued' us and we should only have ourselves to blame and them to thank?
Hope y'all had a gud weekend...mine was cool! Handed in my resignation yesterday...freal if you were sat anywhere within a mile of me, you would have heard the sound of my heart thumping (not beating oh)! It was a cocktail of guilt, apprehension, excitement & apprehension again. But my boss, although visibly taken aback if not shocked, took it well. She definately didnt see it coming! haha!
Am soooo excited...loking forward to my new job and did I tell you am going to Nig on Sunday! Yaaaay! My 2nd trip there in 3 months. Dint realise how much I missed home as I hadnt been back in 5 yrs, until I visited in Feb. It was HOT - temperature wise and fun-wise! On the temperature though, I was convinced that its a different sun(from the one we all know) that shines in Nigeria (Lagos in particular);one would think that the Sun was Nigeria's closes nieghbour geographically. Infact, I can swear that in Lagos, the Sun doesnt set...As in it sets physically, but thats just a front as it still does its magic day & night! The sun in Nigeria never sleeps; working overtime to ensure the discomfort of all and sundry!lol!
But, am still looking forward to Sunday but this time, I'm going armed with my Sunscreen SPF15 cream even though I'm as dark as mahogany:)
Anyway, just wondered about 2 things as I have a deep interest in politics and religion;
1. Why do we worship the god of my oppressors (slave/colonial masters)?
2. Will Nigeria be better off as a Communist State or at least a Marxist State? Is Nigeria not to corrupt to be Capitalists at least for now?I think that before colonialism/slave trade, what we now know as Nigeria (as baptised by Flora Shaw- Lord Lugard's girlfriend), practised a communist system of governance...The community worked together for the good of (yup you got it) the community.People shared with each other, ensured that everyone had enough and equality reigned. Nobody was accorded special treatment and the laws of the land were enforced against whoever dared to flout them, be they the King (oba/obi/obong or whatever they were called in different communities) or the village idiot.
People were afraid to break laws or to act in a way that was detrimental to the progress of the community. People took pride in not just their immediate families but the village/community as a whole...People respected the law and part of that was because of the fear of the wrath of what we are now told are lesser gods.
People feared sango's wrath, the curse of ogun, olokun etc. I dont believe in idol worshipping but it worked for them back then. For the record, I do not identify myself with any organised religion. I'm a Lover i.e. mine is the religion of compassion fullstop.
But now, what do we have?? People who will sell their mothers for government contract; women selling their virtue for a few wads of cash; people getting money through illicit ways being reverred in their hometowns as blessings and given high chieftancy titles!Inshort, we just have SELFISH,NARROW-MINDED, LAZY people
Even till date, people dont fear this oyibo god. If you curse someone by ogun or sango, they are more likely to take offense than if you tell them 'God punish you'. So who are we deceiving with all the many churches crowding each street & corner in Nig? Pastors driving state-of-art cars & their congregation can even afford public transport...
Never in the history of african villages, did the village dibia,babalawo,oracle etc live the flashiest lifestyle afterall, they were only messengers of the higher powers. But for these pastors, its about avertisement. Lets show them what this oyibo god can do. Lets drive big cars,live in big houses & wear designer clothes...How selfish is that? Infact, it seems, capitalism has now even eaten into religion! How shameful!
So what do you think? Are you of the school of though that we have discarded our culture, language, system of governance and even our gods for everything foreign -western and this has caused more harm than good? Or do you believe that the west 'rescued' us and we should only have ourselves to blame and them to thank?
Friday, 8 June 2007
IS IT JUST ME OR DOE?DID THIS HAPPEN TO EVERYONE??
Isnt it funny, if not annoying even, how you have alot to say, then all of a sudden when given audience, it all goes quiet inside you??? . ..So I had looked forward to blogging for a while now and for the past couple of weeks imagined all that I would write. You know, each time you experience/watch./listen (to) something interesting/weird/strange, you cant wait to get to the nearest PC and blog about it??? Well, that’s how the past 2 weeks had been for me as the courage to blog built up inside me….
I had visualised my blog and imagined all the things I would write about....Interesting things were happening to/around me and I would kick myself for not having enough balls to own a blog where I could talk about it…I itched to tell…
As one with only a handful of friends, with whom I hardly gist; this was my only avenue to release sweet gist from my now overcrowded mind before I implode…and how I love storytelling…(wonder why I don’t do much of that with my friends)….oh well!
Anyway, so the itch grew out of hand & gladly my balls eventually grew big enough for me to blog! Yaaaaaaay! Then GBAM!!! All of a sudden, nothing seems interesting anymore….or at least not post worthy…never mind the fact that I now walk around making an increased effort to be fully aware of all that’s occuring around me….but no! everyone and everything – I believe- have conspired against me, so that nothing is exciting, interesting or strange enough to blog about! *sad* or could it be that I am trying too hard? Y’know, a bit like focusing a bit too much on ever elusive orgasm???
Perhaps, so…maybe I shud just go with the flow…afterall, no be by force to blog everyday and no be by force to be ‘interesting’…abi?
ThAT ASIDE, I got a new job today! Yaaay! Am excited bcos altho I love the ppl I work with, my volume of work now is tooo low (am sure a lot of ppl wud wan2 switch places)…but its really frustrating, coming to work everyday and having nothing to do apart from visiting blogs and going home at the end of the day, with the realisation that all you’ve gained is more info about how other ppl live their lives! I knew I had to leave when I started getting envious if not jealous of my friends who were always too busy working to email-chat with me! :(
Of course, the advantage is, I still get paid afterall! but…av been here for only 8 months and my boss will be gutted that I’m leaving cos she really likes me (of so I think)…dunno how to break it to her…am very apprehensive(?)…dunno, if thats the right word to express how am feeling but sumthin like that sha *remember I said I aint no Wole Soyinka?* lol!….so I’ll spend my weekend thinking of ways to tell her, preparing my letter & rehearsing my speech…God help me on Monday oh!
PRAYER OF THE DAY
Pls God, grant me clear skin! Am sick of soiling all the pale coloured items I lay my fingers on with my Iman Cream-to-Powder CLAY #5 (for those of you that wud be kind enough to buy me foundation!lol!)! Its particularly embarrasing when I’m handling office papers and leave them with brown finger prints….Pls, even if its for just A WEEK…Pls; abeg; laho; bikonu; ejo....Thank you.
Have a fab weekend y'all!
I had visualised my blog and imagined all the things I would write about....Interesting things were happening to/around me and I would kick myself for not having enough balls to own a blog where I could talk about it…I itched to tell…
As one with only a handful of friends, with whom I hardly gist; this was my only avenue to release sweet gist from my now overcrowded mind before I implode…and how I love storytelling…(wonder why I don’t do much of that with my friends)….oh well!
Anyway, so the itch grew out of hand & gladly my balls eventually grew big enough for me to blog! Yaaaaaaay! Then GBAM!!! All of a sudden, nothing seems interesting anymore….or at least not post worthy…never mind the fact that I now walk around making an increased effort to be fully aware of all that’s occuring around me….but no! everyone and everything – I believe- have conspired against me, so that nothing is exciting, interesting or strange enough to blog about! *sad* or could it be that I am trying too hard? Y’know, a bit like focusing a bit too much on ever elusive orgasm???
Perhaps, so…maybe I shud just go with the flow…afterall, no be by force to blog everyday and no be by force to be ‘interesting’…abi?
ThAT ASIDE, I got a new job today! Yaaay! Am excited bcos altho I love the ppl I work with, my volume of work now is tooo low (am sure a lot of ppl wud wan2 switch places)…but its really frustrating, coming to work everyday and having nothing to do apart from visiting blogs and going home at the end of the day, with the realisation that all you’ve gained is more info about how other ppl live their lives! I knew I had to leave when I started getting envious if not jealous of my friends who were always too busy working to email-chat with me! :(
Of course, the advantage is, I still get paid afterall! but…av been here for only 8 months and my boss will be gutted that I’m leaving cos she really likes me (of so I think)…dunno how to break it to her…am very apprehensive(?)…dunno, if thats the right word to express how am feeling but sumthin like that sha *remember I said I aint no Wole Soyinka?* lol!….so I’ll spend my weekend thinking of ways to tell her, preparing my letter & rehearsing my speech…God help me on Monday oh!
PRAYER OF THE DAY
Pls God, grant me clear skin! Am sick of soiling all the pale coloured items I lay my fingers on with my Iman Cream-to-Powder CLAY #5 (for those of you that wud be kind enough to buy me foundation!lol!)! Its particularly embarrasing when I’m handling office papers and leave them with brown finger prints….Pls, even if its for just A WEEK…Pls; abeg; laho; bikonu; ejo....Thank you.
Have a fab weekend y'all!
Thursday, 7 June 2007
MY DEBUT
I've been reading blogs now for almost a year! and I must admit, it has helped me deal with alot of issues I've had especially because I now realise that the feelings I have sometimes and the things I go/have been through are not peculiar to me alone! I'M NOT A STRANGE OR ABNORMAL!!! What a relief!
Having said that, I have also felt creepy; y'know, like a spy....lurking in the shadows & reading about ppls lives day in, day out and leaving anonymouse comments...putting it simply, i have felt like (in naija terms) a 'TAFIA', 'APROKO' etc especially in the last couple of weeks as I have increasingly stalked more blogs!lol!
So, this is me, giving back; my way of saying thank you to blogville for helping me restore my a bit of my sanity, by sharing my life experiences, with the hope that it will contribute in restoring a bit (if not all) of someone esle's sanity....of course, this will also enable me rediscover (or shall I shall discover; as i dont think I've ever known who I truly am) myself ...thank God for anonymity as I can bare all uncensored...
Although I've always found putting my feelings/the thoughts in my head down in writing therapeutic, I must confess that I am no Wole Soyinka ...but I will try to make my posts as enjoyable/simple as possible, to make for easy reading!
This is me, running thru walls in the search for a deeper meaning to life and of course MYSELF!
PS: WHY IS BLOGGER IN GERMAN???!!!! i dont even understand what I'm doing! am just clicking on/filling in and ticking everything and guessing as I go along....PLS HELP! how do I change it to English, as I'm not keen on learning German just yet!
Having said that, I have also felt creepy; y'know, like a spy....lurking in the shadows & reading about ppls lives day in, day out and leaving anonymouse comments...putting it simply, i have felt like (in naija terms) a 'TAFIA', 'APROKO' etc especially in the last couple of weeks as I have increasingly stalked more blogs!lol!
So, this is me, giving back; my way of saying thank you to blogville for helping me restore my a bit of my sanity, by sharing my life experiences, with the hope that it will contribute in restoring a bit (if not all) of someone esle's sanity....of course, this will also enable me rediscover (or shall I shall discover; as i dont think I've ever known who I truly am) myself ...thank God for anonymity as I can bare all uncensored...
Although I've always found putting my feelings/the thoughts in my head down in writing therapeutic, I must confess that I am no Wole Soyinka ...but I will try to make my posts as enjoyable/simple as possible, to make for easy reading!
This is me, running thru walls in the search for a deeper meaning to life and of course MYSELF!
PS: WHY IS BLOGGER IN GERMAN???!!!! i dont even understand what I'm doing! am just clicking on/filling in and ticking everything and guessing as I go along....PLS HELP! how do I change it to English, as I'm not keen on learning German just yet!
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